Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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