They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
