Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
