i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
