I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
