Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Everclear isn't food dammit
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