It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
