I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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