you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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