one word: firstdatebathroomanal
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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