I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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