he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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