Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
