was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
