I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
