All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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