I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can text with my tongue
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
