Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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