Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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