Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I don't deserve a penis
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
