sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
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you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
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I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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