Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
