I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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