We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
