Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
