Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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