I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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