she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
