Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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