Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
