Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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