Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
