Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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