I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
