yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
