and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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