she woke up with a sticky ear
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
