How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
