you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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