I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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