Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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