I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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