Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
