I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
