i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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