a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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