she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
