My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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