you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
