So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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