Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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