i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
