Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
