Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
