Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
