I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
