My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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