my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
