I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
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i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
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Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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