matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
