wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
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