How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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