great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
